I believe 'negotiation skill' is a practical “combat skill”: what a soldier in good shape learns after putting on the right armor and weapons. It is the skill of handling each case once you have solid competence in your job and polished business manners. Negotiation is as constant in our lives as breathing. It starts in the morning with a child asking if they can watch TV or play games, and continues through choosing a lunch menu with colleagues, setting a time and place for a meeting, and the split-second negotiation of answering a price inquiry about a product or service. Building your negotiation skills is the most effective investment for winning better deals and a competitive edge, because the results show up right away.
It was an early morning in 2016, when my oldest child, now a 10-year-old third grader (as of 2023), was 3. My son woke me from a sound sleep and whispered in my ear, "Daddy! Ice cream!" The intense pleasure of the ice cream he had tasted around then seemed to have woken him up. What kind of expression did he have when he asked me for ice cream? When I ask this question in my lectures, many participants answer, "He probably asked with a cute face, acting all sweet, right?" That answer usually comes from people who have never raised a child, or parents who have raised daughters. This is the look on my son's face back then.
This look is a “threat,” right? “If you don’t give me ice cream right now, I’ll cry and keep you from sleeping in peace.” Even half asleep, I pulled out my phone and took this photo to use in my negotiation lectures.
The 'negotiation' begins. START!!
So how did I respond to this attack? I pulled the blanket over my head and said, "Ice cream at this hour of the morning? No way!!" My son took my hand, pulled me up, led me out of the bedroom, quietly closed the door behind us, and headed to the living room. Why did he leave the bedroom and move to the living room? To set up the most favorable environment for his negotiation. If he threw a tantrum or burst into tears, his mom, sleeping soundly next to us, would wake up, right? What is 'Mom' to the project of getting 'ice cream'? A 'hostile stakeholder' who could affect this negotiation, wouldn't you say? So my son moved the negotiating table to the location that suited him best. Only after creating that favorable environment did he start the negotiation again. What kind of expression did he have when he opened round two? This is the look on my son's face at that moment.
I’d call this look a “stronger threat,” wouldn’t you? Tears seemed about to fall, and a powerful wail about to burst out of his mouth. “If you don’t give me ice cream right now, I’m going to cry!!” I was completely caught off guard. I had grown used to conversation, communication, and negotiation with adults, and this totally unexpected move from the other side put me one step behind. Still, with a face that tried to keep its composure, I fired back firmly with a counterattack: "No! Who wants ice cream at dawn?" So, dear readers, if you were in the shoes of a 3-year-old, what would you do?
This is the look on my son's face at that moment.
He cried. And the volume and placement of that cry were exquisite. It rang in the ears of me, dozing on the sofa, like a siren, “Waaah~~~,” and I simply couldn’t hold out. Negotiating rationally with a 3-year-old was hard, so I was in a real bind. And the volume of that cry was just too quiet to travel across the living room, through the bedroom door, and wake his mother, who was sound asleep. Quite a counterattack, wasn’t it? With a lecture early that morning, I had to leave the house, so I had no choice but to open the freezer and hand over the ice cream.
Having achieved his goal of ice cream, my son beamed with the happiest face in the world, as if he had never cried. It was amazing. Children instinctively negotiate for what they want. This is the face of a happy winner.
To be continued